Random thoughts on our impending doom and everyday life, courtesy of a Romance Writer who occasionally feels the need to talk like a Sailor.

Saturday, 7 July 2012

The Art of the Over-Share and the Loss of Sexual Shame…

Hmm, what a topic to discuss. There have been a few funny moments on twitter and blogs lately that got me to pondering this topic. When is discussing your sex life (whether it be solo flights of fantasy or group activities) okay? When is it not? Does it even matter? If you’re a lady on the streets but a freak between the sheets then where is your point of over-share-no-return? Everyone has their own wince and flinch point. I write smut. High quality smut involving all sorts of deep apocalyptic notions and shot-gun action, but smut none the less. In an ideal world my father wouldn’t even know I’d ever written a book but I simply don’t have that level of care anymore. The older I get the less I mind what people think which is liberating. But whilst I talk about the writing to my father he is however banned  from reading it. There’s ménage and spanking and anal in there for goodness sake. He doesn’t need to see that sh*t. That is my wince and flinch point right there.

I imagine Magic Mike is going to be responsible for a lot of shame very soon.
Now, back to the topic at hand, people are wildly diverse when it comes to over-share. The thresholds can be fantastically low and high. What one person finds an entertaining silly story another will de-friend, de-follow and run for the hills never to utter that person’s name ever, ever again. What the culture at the time finds suitable for a public hearing is also mighty interesting. In the 17th Century the act of masturbation was thought to be a far greater no-no than the torturing of someone could ever be. So whilst wanking was a mortal sin sticking a foe on the rack for a stretching was excusable now and then. Compare that to the highly public practice of pederasty in Ancient Greece where Older Men taught the younger lads sex, politics and how to keep your toga on straight throughout both, and you’ve got a window into the crazy scope of sexual shame throughout the ages. So because there is this diversity within individual people and from one culture to the next there’s never going to be any easy answer.

People who know sh*t say that the bulk of sex happening in the world is actually taking place between long term couples. Contemplate how much of that type of sex we actually see in movies lacking an X rating. Not really a lot, is there? Why so? Is it because it’s seen as too intimate? Perhaps it’s simply not dramatic enough. It is just what people do to have fun and enjoy each other’s company and a bunch of other things. As opposed to sex that stems from an affair or is right at the beginning of a relationship where the risks are high and the sex is advancing or changing the relationship, intimate relations between long standing couples lacks a certain fire cracker dynamic. I wonder if the same is true for masturbation?

Shame-wise there are two issues. The feeling you are doing something wrong or something that reflects badly on you. But then you’ve got the sense of shame that what you do is entirely appropriate but not the sort of thing that should be shared. It may well be that first sense of shame as applied to sex and masturbation should be excised from society and is in fact being slowly excised from society. But even if that’s right you still have the question of the second sense; given that it’s fine for you to be wanking (no shame in the first sense) that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s fine for you to shout about it (shame in the second sense) according to today’s society.

Do people over share because they want to be perceived as sexually active people? As people that don’t mind pushing at the edges of societies norms? And do people object to over-sharing because they don’t want to perceive that person in that fashion? Or is it that they’re happy to perceive the person in that fashion but they don’t want to have an arresting visual image of it implanted in their heads? In which case, whose problem is that? Hmm? Ask yourself, what would de Sade do? How’s about Anais Nin? Because yes, these people both pushed at the bounds of correctness and our world is a better place for it. Mostly. Don’t get me started on de Sade. That involves copious amounts of wine and a lot of rope.

Romancelandia wise do we need to be writing up more ordinary romance couples doing the hot sex times stuff? I’ve seen some of it sneaking in these days but do we need more? What do you think? Over-share with me in the comments…


  1. OMG - given out IM twitter convo - should have read this first. BUT - with you on the older I get the less I care.

  2. I think I might have over-shared a little last night with you girls LOL!!! And agree with Trace on this one too - the older I get the less I care. I mean, everyone of age (and under in some cases) is 'doing it' so what's the big deal!!
    And now I'm keen to have a squiz at this full frontal...

  3. Ladies, Ladies, what happens between friends on IM whilst two-thirds are under the influence stays there forever more. Amen. ;)

  4. Record it all; and you have the basis for your next book.. it could be like Sex and the Racoon City.

  5. WHAT do you girls get up to on IM? Kylie, I hope you are taking notes?

    Another great blog.

  6. Thanks Louise and Jay for commenting. The late Saturday night silliness seems to be becoming a tradition. Lawd help us.

  7. Omg Fassmember *and* Magic Mike? If I didn't love the words in this post so much already that would definitely sell me on it. No mention of cry-wanking, but you can save that for next time perhaps.