Random thoughts on our impending doom and everyday life, courtesy of a Romance Writer who occasionally feels the need to talk like a Sailor.

Friday, 15 March 2013

A Cheat's Guide to Colonist's Wife

Yes, it’s that special, special time again. Release Day! And as per tradition, I've made you a cheat sheet. No, it's okay. I know how much you enjoy them. Colonist's Wife is a short novel out now with Ellora's Cave and you can currently get it from the EC site or Amazon. Nook should soon follow. Hope you like it.

It's the year 2088 and this is Esther, a moon circling Jupiter. It is cold, grey, and a lot less fun than you might imagine. Unless you like stones. If you like stones you could probably have a rockin' good time here. If not, you're pretty much screwed.

This is Louise. Her life has gone to hell in a handbasket since she testified in a murder trial. She has to change her name and hide out on Esther due to the price on her head. Louise does not like stones. Louise is pretty much screwed.

This is Adam Elliot, Louise's contracted husband. Oh, alright, it's not really him. The muddy piggy is a metaphor. But Adam does turn up to meet her looking like crap and smelling like someone just hosed him off a barroom floor. There is none of this little piggy's cute factor to him whatsoever. Adam will not be getting screwed.

The mining colony is underground and full of long boring white corridors. Minimalism as a design style really bums Louise out. That, and her arranged marriage sort of sucks.

But in the centre of the colony is a beautiful big garden and Louise is all like "never mind the sucky marriage and smelly husband, right on, this is awesome".

But then Adam discovered the magic of personal hygiene! Mindful of her wifely duty, Louise politely offered to help him wash those difficult to reach places on his back that are so tricky to get to on your own. Whilst groping his hard body she saw through to the real him and thus sought to further soothe his wounded soul with vigorous physical affection. Adam got screwed afterall. Yay!

Ha! Thought you were getting ladybugs, didn't you? No, this time I give you snails whispering sweet sweet nothings to each another on a blade of dewy grass. Enjoy.

Then a female 'friend' of Adam's got all in Louise's face. So Louise told that bitch to back off or she would bite off her nose and without a nose how you going to smell anything, huh?

Oh, alright then. Have your raunchy ladybugs. So then some other stuff happened that we won't go into because you can go buy the damn book if you want to know more. So just when it looked like Louise and Adam were reaching some bizarre ladybird sexual nirvana involving even more dewy blades of grass....

A bad guy comes along and ruins everything on account of him wanting to kill Louise, thus exposing her true identity.

And Adam, looking particularly tasty, is going "wife, dude, who are you exactly?"

Things then spiral out of control into a crazy, action packed finale followed by...

A super duper mushy lovers' reunion confirming the much deserved happy ever after wherein everyone gets screwed the right way. The End.

Ellora's Cave  Amazon  

It’s 2088, and having testified in a gangland murder trial, nowhere on Earth is safe for Louise. Witness Protection has organized a new identity and a marriage contract for her on the mining colony of Esther, one of the moons circling Jupiter. The man who meets her there is not the groom she expected.

Adam Elliot is neither sweet nor sincere, and he looks like he was hosed off a barroom floor. But soon a memorial service reveals Adam’s soft underbelly. Throw some stellar sex into the mix and the two decide that maybe marriage to each other might not be so bad after all.
But an assassin is already at work. A deadly game of cat and mouse ensues on the planet’s frozen surface. Louise is determined to live long enough to draw the maniac away from the husband she might just have fallen for.
A Romantica® futuristic erotic romance from Ellora’s Cave

Please note, Colonist's Wife is a short novel of around 34,000 words.


  1. Golly that's clever and all in a weeny amount of words and ladybirds. Awesome

  2. So... what you're saying is that it only gets dirty when he gets clean? Sounds fair! Best of luck with it. Love sci-fi!

    1. Never underestimate the seductive power of soap. Thanks, Im.

  3. You deserve an award for witty raunchiness.
    And one for ladybird porno too. Phew. I may have to have a cold shower after that.

    1. Ha! Thanks, Cari. Ladybird porno is surprisingly RAWR, isn't it?

  4. Phew! The ladybirds made an appearance. Was getting worried there for a second (time to scroll), though nothing wrong with snails whispering sweet nothings.

    1. We have love for ALL of the porny garden bugs. Thanks for commenting, Nicky. :)