Random thoughts on our impending doom and everyday life, courtesy of a Romance Writer who occasionally feels the need to talk like a Sailor.

Tuesday, 18 September 2012

The're doing it wrong. Part 1: Shoes

WARNING: Generalisations & silliness ahoy!

What with the upcoming 1st October release of Flesh (which you can pre-order here) I thought we might return to the topic of our imminent doom. Now, it seems to me we’ve had a lot of fuss about zombies and romance and sex and such like on this blog, but little in the way of actual survival tips. So I thought we might start from the ground up and get you sorted. On that fateful day when the Undead rise, look about, and then decide to start snacking on your nearest and dearest, you’re first line of defence is going to be... 
(Yes, I know. It might also be push Aunty Mavis into their oncoming path and then run. Fair enough. But let’s keep it simple for now.) With all this in mind, what do your shoes say about you?

Sadly, your feeble mind didn’t survive the initial chaos and carnage.
Likelihood of Survival: 1/10
Bonus round: Close relative on hand to defend you and administer Prozac.


They don’t call you ‘Camp Favourite’ for nothing.
Likelihood of Survival: 2/10
Bonus round: Background in Pole Dancing gives accelerated climbing abilities.

Face it, your Tupperware selling days are over.
Likelihood of Survival: 3/10
Bonus round: Knowledge of over a hundred simple and nutritious meals based around combining Spam with canned chicken makes you invaluable to the group.

They’re only joking when the call you ‘Zombie Bait’. Mostly.
Likelihood of Survival: 4/10
Bonus round: Knowledge of all Marijuana stashes in the vicinity earns you protection from certain fringe elements of the group.

You are ‘the Old Man’.
Likelihood of survival: 5/10
Bonus round: Zombies sometimes take your awkward shuffle as evidence of being Undead.

Your stock portfolio isn’t as crucial as it used to be.

Likelihood of survival: 6/10
Bonus round: Received gym membership for Christmas last year instead of the usual cash bonus due to economic downturn.

You are ‘the Boss Lady’.
Likelihood of survival: 7/10
Bonus round: Summer wasted studying psychology enables you to play off factions within the group whilst maintaining a ‘management’ position.

You are ‘the Kid’.
Likelihood of survival: 8/10
Bonus round: Extensive use of first person shooter games ensures your accuracy is spot on.

You are ‘the Weekend Warrior’.
Likelihood of survival: 9/10
Bonus round: Built an underground bunker for fun a few years back.

You’ve waited for this moment your entire life.
Likelihood of survival: 10/10
Bonus round: Please... you and your fellow radicals helped to release the plague that started the apocalypse in the first place.


  1. where do bare feet fit in to this paradigm?? Am thinking I'll be least likely to trip/fall in them....

    1. I hear ya, AA. I'm a bit of a clumsy one myself. How about a rating of 5/10? I'm worried about stony ground and hot concrete slowing you down. Bonus round would have to involve painting toe nails blood red somehow, obviously.

    2. oh bloody hell, this apocalypse stuff is going to be pretty hard on the feet by the sounds of it... maybe we should call it off?

    3. Amy, Amy, where's your spirit of adventure? If we gave things up on the grounds that they were hard on the feet, I would never have made it through the cocktail party1 Or any cocktail party. Or wedding reception. Or all those tables I've danced on.

      I do think you've missed an important shoe consideration though, Kylie. Their throwing value. Clogs not so good for running in, but well-aimed, they could pack a wallop!

    4. Good point, Im. A clog to the head could work a treat.

    5. Having moaned bitched whimpered and cried all the way through cocktail party with gorgeous but ridicuous stilletos I think it is safe to say that I will be one of the first to die in an apocalypse #zombiefood