WARNING: Generalisations & silliness ahoy!
What with the upcoming 1st October release of Flesh (which
you can pre-order here) I thought we might return to the topic of our imminent
doom. Now, it seems to me we’ve had a lot of fuss about zombies and romance and
sex and such like on this blog, but little in the way of actual survival tips. So I thought we might start from the ground up and get
you sorted. On that fateful day when the Undead rise, look about, and then
decide to start snacking on your nearest and dearest, you’re first line of
defence is going to be...
RUN!!!
(Yes, I know. It might also be push Aunty
Mavis into their oncoming path and then run. Fair enough. But let’s keep it
simple for now.) With all this in mind, what do your shoes say about you?
Sadly,
your feeble mind didn’t survive the initial chaos and carnage.
Likelihood of Survival: 1/10
Bonus round: Close relative on hand to defend you and administer
Prozac.
They
don’t call you ‘Camp Favourite’ for nothing.
Likelihood of Survival: 2/10
Bonus round: Background in Pole Dancing gives accelerated
climbing abilities.
Face
it, your Tupperware selling days are over.
Likelihood of Survival: 3/10
Bonus round: Knowledge of over a hundred simple and nutritious
meals based around combining Spam with canned chicken makes you invaluable to
the group.
They’re
only joking when the call you ‘Zombie Bait’. Mostly.
Likelihood of Survival: 4/10
Bonus round: Knowledge of all Marijuana stashes in the vicinity
earns you protection from certain fringe elements of the group.
You
are ‘the Old Man’.
Likelihood of survival: 5/10
Bonus round: Zombies sometimes take your awkward shuffle as
evidence of being Undead.
Your
stock portfolio isn’t as crucial as it used to be.
Likelihood of survival: 6/10
Bonus round: Received gym membership for Christmas last year
instead of the usual cash bonus due to economic downturn.
You
are ‘the Boss Lady’.
Likelihood of survival: 7/10
Bonus round: Summer wasted studying psychology enables you to
play off factions within the group whilst maintaining a ‘management’ position.
You
are ‘the Kid’.
Likelihood of survival: 8/10
Bonus round: Extensive use of first person shooter games
ensures your accuracy is spot on.
You
are ‘the Weekend Warrior’.
Likelihood of survival: 9/10
Bonus round: Built an underground bunker for fun a few years
back.
You’ve
waited for this moment your entire life.
Likelihood of survival: 10/10
Bonus round: Please... you and your fellow radicals helped to
release the plague that started the apocalypse in the first place. 
where do bare feet fit in to this paradigm?? Am thinking I'll be least likely to trip/fall in them....
ReplyDeleteI hear ya, AA. I'm a bit of a clumsy one myself. How about a rating of 5/10? I'm worried about stony ground and hot concrete slowing you down. Bonus round would have to involve painting toe nails blood red somehow, obviously.
Deleteoh bloody hell, this apocalypse stuff is going to be pretty hard on the feet by the sounds of it... maybe we should call it off?
DeleteAmy, Amy, where's your spirit of adventure? If we gave things up on the grounds that they were hard on the feet, I would never have made it through the cocktail party1 Or any cocktail party. Or wedding reception. Or all those tables I've danced on.
DeleteI do think you've missed an important shoe consideration though, Kylie. Their throwing value. Clogs not so good for running in, but well-aimed, they could pack a wallop!
Good point, Im. A clog to the head could work a treat.
DeleteHaving moaned bitched whimpered and cried all the way through cocktail party with gorgeous but ridicuous stilletos I think it is safe to say that I will be one of the first to die in an apocalypse #zombiefood
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