Apple of Mass Destruction... my take on Snow White & The Huntsman

Okay, first things first. If you haven’t seen it and you don’t want anyone spoiling the experience for you then don’t keep reading because SPOILERS AHOY!

Next up I think we should give credit where credit is due. SW&H would like to thank The Never Ending Story, Evil Dead, Avatar and The Lord of the Rings for providing some juicy tid-bits of inspiration. That being said, whilst occasionally lacking originality, I did like this movie. I did enjoy it. But there were some definite flaws. For instance the love triangle that most definitely wasn’t. 

 Forget the childhood mate that she was sadly separated from who is suddenly back on the scene with dimples and a title. When the sh*t goes down with the apple he’s first in line to kiss her and nothing happens. NOTHING. Okay? Got that? So onto the Huntsman. Now, if you’re going to give Chris Hemsworth a Scottish accent and a sword then denying him a kilt is madness. Madness I tell you! And his shirt was only briefly partly removed so there’s a mighty big letdown right there. Hence the picture to your right.

But I have greater reasons to be dissatisfied with this film than a lack of pecs to perv upon. Because if a guy is going to kiss a girl and that smooch is going to be such a powerful momentous event as to return life to her then it actually needs to mean something. Something more than him being a bit drunk and pondering how said dead chick reminds him of vaguely of his likewise dead wife. So he ends his maudlin speech and kisses the dead chick. And she comes back to life. Which is pretty much it for these two characters and their supposed true love’s first kiss. A scene or two later he makes a crack about her looking fetching in mail and she gives him an awkward looking smile that just reeks of an uncomfortable morning after. 

THAT’S IT. 

You see how cool she looks? And the ravens!

At the end when the clueless virgin is sitting pretty on the throne for no greater reason than bunnies and birds take a shining to her and her Daddy used to be King (yes, I’m being a little harsh here but the whole kiss thing has me stirred up) the Huntsman is hanging by the back door with a smile and a nod and for all intents and purposes he looks to me like he’s about to hit the highway. Huh? Come again? What just happened here? Is the writer a bit embarrassed by that icky human emotion called ‘Love’ or something? Please explain. And exactly when during her years of incarceration did someone teach her swordplay? For all that we diss a montage there is many a time when one is blatantly required. If I hadn't known ahead of time that the love triangle remained unresolved I would have been very unhappy with this film. But I'm a romance writer so the lack of a fully satisfying Happy Ever After still stings.The lack of resolution to this huge big important chunk of the story smarts.

Now let’s discuss what Snow White and the Huntsman did right. It is a visual feast. It's just beautiful. Charlize Theron is superb. The Evil Queen is without a doubt the most fascinating and complex character in the entire story. They’ve come at this oft told fairytale character in a wholly new way and it works a treat. She rocks and her costumes are amazing. I want her wardrobe. Apart from that, Al Swearengen is one of the seven dwarves and that’s cool. Always great to see him in stuff. Another one of the seven dwarves had a cool stick piercing in his ear and that was cool too. The castle was cool and so were the ravens. That’s about it. So yes, see it. No, don’t expect it all to make sense. The end.