Middle Earth Masculinity... or, a peek at The Hobbit

When news was released that Peter Jackson was FINALLY making The Hobbit happy dances abounded. LOTR was so big and brave and beautiful, how could you not squee with delight? But I didn’t expect to be squeeing with girlish glee over the Dwarves. You see, Tolkien Dwarves are not known for being sexpots, exactly. Handy with an axe and hairy? Yes. Hot as Mount Doom? No.

So let us examine the evidence. First, I give you Richard Amitage as Thorin Oakenshield, leader of the band of Dwarves setting out to deal with Smaug the dastardly dragon. You might recognise Mr Armitage from the awesomely good Spooks or the rather entertaining Robin Hood reboot from a few years back.

Mmm, Richard.

Secondly, we have Aidan Turner as Kili. Aidan made big waves as the vampire component in the original, UK version of Being Human.  He’s superb. A great actor and very easy on the eye. But remember, respect him for his mind.

Can I just say at this point that if you in fact have not read The Hobbit then I’m more than a little embarrassed for you. I recommend immediately investing in a hat and glasses, fake beard maybe... if you feel the need to board a Greyhound bus and go on the run, I understand. But it’s not too late! Go grab a copy and sit your ass down. Read it. There’s a reason why it’s one of the all time classics. So you’re not a fan of great big juicy fantasy books and struggled with Lord of the Rings? You’re feeling intimidated. Small. Unimportant, maybe? Relax, my friend. The Hobbit was originally aimed at a younger audience. It’s a different type of tale entirely. Set forth on steady feet and enjoy yourself one rollicking great adventure, knowing the most wondrous film version will be delivered come Christmas by Mr Peter Jackson himself.

Prometheus - the peril of the prequel and the sins of a series...

 Forget the Hunger Games, let’s talk Prometheus. I’m so excited about this film I don’t know how I sleep at night. First, you’ve got Noomi Rapace doing SCI-FI. She was brilliant in Girl in with Dragon Tattoo. Kicked butt in every scene. (As nice as it is to see Daniel Craig they did not need to remake that film.) Then, just when you think they’ve got Ripley’s lead-up-but-totally-different-kind-of-character cast to perfection, they throw Michael Fassbender into the mix as an android. If any man ever got the f***yeah from me, it’s him. He rocks.

So this movie’s now like Christmas and your birthday all rolled into one! Twice the cake! Twice the presents! (I know... Inevitably someone will try to welch and only give you one gift. Never mind them. They get no cake.) And then, just when you think it can’t possibly get any better, there’s Aliens! The scariest damn Aliens to ever hatch onto the screen and try to affix themselves to your face! Awesome!

 I’m willing to acknowledge that there have been some bad prequels. A series is a sticky thing, no matter which way in time it’s moving. Some work, some don’t. Some work up to a point but then they start to suck. Take Aliens 3 where they killed off Newt and Hicks in the first five minutes. The less said the better.

The same principle, of course, works for book series. Things can ebb and flow. I just finished the latest instalment of J.R.Ward’s Black Dagger series, Lover Reborn, last night. Let me be up front here, the idea of replacing Wellsie was repugnant to me. As a wise woman once told me, romance readers tend to be like ducks. We imprint on the first hero and heroine to come along. Wellsie was Tohrment’s heroine. She was there first and never should they have been parted. But they were...

 The romance between Tohrment and No’One was nice. The way the story was handled in relation to him and her checking in their various items of emotional baggage was good. If you love the Black Dagger Brotherhood then it’s a foregone conclusion that you got your fix like I got mine. But it was no Zsadist and Bella – of course, see above, I’m prejudiced (quack quack quack). I’ll be buying the next book because I’m invested in this world. I love it. It’s warm and familiar and snugly to me. There’s guns and interesting slang and expensive tequila. They live in a mansion and wear lots of leather. It’s a lot of fun.

But I’m hoping a return to the familiar chill of the Aliens’ universe is going to be more of an awe-inspiring occurrence. Do you remember the first time you ever watched Aliens? The cold of space followed by that silent, spooky colony? Where were all the people? What the hell was going on? And those monsters just waiting to pounce. Shivery stuff. Here’s hoping people.